4 Ways to Nurture Your Relationship During the Holiday Season
It may be the most wonderful time of the year, but I am sure we can all agree that it is also the most stressful time of the year, especially in relationships. Even the happiest and most high-functioning couples can experience challenges during this season.
Here are 4 ways to holiday-proof your relationship and focus on the joy, the love and, if we’re being honest here, the good food.
Be intentional and do “small things often”
With a hectic holiday schedule, couples can tend to put their relationship on the back burner. We become so busy and distracted that we don’t stop to check in with each other, which can cause us to feel distant from our partner. To avoid this emotional disconnection, be intentional about setting time aside to reconnect with one another in between the hustle and bustle.
To do: Incorporate a daily dose of the three A’s — attention, appreciation and affection. Relationships thrive when we are intentional and foster a climate of acceptance, recognition and thankfulness. Simple things like saying I love you, sharing a “6 second kiss” (read more on that here) and saying “thank you” for the big, and small things your partner does this holiday season (and all year round) are easy and quick ways to stay connected with your partner.
Be sure to carve out quality one-on-one time with your partner (hello, date night) during this season. The Gottman Institute is known for the saying “small things often” that is, when partners do small, everyday gestures of positive intention and presence, like spending quality time. This "grows their emotional bank account," and becomes a source of stability and resiliency that protects you from the negative effects of conflict and holiday stress.
2. Set healthy boundaries
Whether it’s deciding on spending the holiday with one family, splitting time between both or spending the holiday alone, maintaining and setting boundaries is essential during the holiday season. The holidays are the busiest time of the year for many couples causing us to over-commit ourselves to work, family and social events leading us to feel tired, stressed and maybe even cause us to neglect time with our spouse/partner. Oftentimes, the holidays cause stress due to expectations by others or by self. When you set boundaries as a couple, you operate from a “we” instead of “I” mentality. This helps to bond and connect with your partner by putting your relationship first through priority and understanding.
To do: Communicate your needs with your partner, and do so early. Before assuming your partner can (or wants to) commit to another holiday party or travelling to multiple family member’s households, check in with them and give them time and space to share their thoughts and feelings related to the holiday.
3. Create rituals and traditions to build connection
When entering into a relationship you are bringing two people together who come with their own set of holiday traditions. This could be a cause of stress for couples who are unsure of how to mesh traditions as a couple. While it is important to keep traditions, it is equally important to be open to creating new ones as well. The beauty of a relationship is not only combining your traditions, but eventually establishing your own.
To do: Create a couple’s tradition and make one that is unique to your relationship. This should be a tradition you both agree upon, and keep it simple! Christmas tree shopping, making ornaments or baking, watching the same holiday movie every year. Building your own traditions helps to make memories, create shared meaning and will enrich your relationship with holiday joy.
4. Keep realistic expectations
Holidays are notorious for building two types of stress: expectations from yourself and expectations from others. Whether it is your family pressuring you to visit or split time, expecting the “perfect gift” or for someone to “pop” the big question, all of the stress can be boiled down to unmet expectations, and everyone's expectations can be quite high during the holiday season. We’ve all been there, the holidays are approaching and our social media feeds are filled with everyones perfectly posed decorations and holiday photos or we are watching countless Hallmark holiday movies. No matter where we look, we are bombarded with an idea of not only how the holidays should be, but how our relationship should be during this season as well. These comparisons and expectations increase resentment, disappointment and a mixed bag of negative emotions.
To do: Think about taking a social media cleanse and instead of scrolling, refer back to to-do number 2 by spending some quality time with your spouse/partner. Spend time together by creating a list of things you’re grateful for. Nothing is off limits — big or small, holiday related or not. This can help you feel a little bit better about what you do have instead of focusing on what you don’t have and minimize those pesky comparisons. Stay grounded in the relationship you have.
Roubicek & Thacker Counseling is Fresno’s premier provider of individual, couples, family, and group therapy. We offer in-person and online remote therapy sessions. Contact us today to change the way you feel.